SO my week has been overall a complete and utter disaster. Around last Tuesday, I had a seizure. This by it self would have been normal. But I was at WORK! Then next day at work, it happens again! It wasn't something I could control and everyone knows this.

NOW... this is what makes my life unbearable at times. I can't handle what's happening anymore.

I go to work to find out my doctor's office has screwed up majorly today. I lose the ability to work 'til they do their jobs and send a note explaining to my store what I can and can not do because of my seizures. Not to mention I've been trying to reach them for the past week because my seizures are actively getting worse and, naturally, I'm worried. I want answers about these things and want to know if I'm going to have to live my life in fear of another attack each and every day.

Tonight I have three seizures in a row without pause, THREE, and we had to call the ambulance. The only thing they ended up doing was making me feel like shit, mentally!! They arrived at the very end of my last seizure and basically they kept demanding me to calm down and relax, like I wasn't already trying that before they were even called in. Then after, yelling at me like I was completely deaf when they knew I wasn’t! They made me feel guilty about having the attacks in the first place, telling me that I was worrying the crap out of my family and that I needed to stop. I already knew that! It's not something you have to tell someone who is fully conscious of what's going on around me.

Then they compared it to a panic attack. Like it's something I started and had control over, like I was only hyperventilating or etc; making me feel worthless because I couldn't control it at all. Luckily for them that they came in at the right moment. After three seizures, my body was pretty much dead. It gave them a good little ego boost to think they actually "talked" me out of it. In reality, my mom was doing the exact same thing they were doing about 15 minutes before hand and getting no positive results. I told them I didn't want to go with them and they left after agreeing with me that it was the best decision.

I can't live like this anymore. It's unbearable and ruining my entire life. I could keep losing my job. I've lost my ability to drive my car. I have to ask people for help now. When the seizures hit I'm basically helpless, something I wish I would never have to feel in my life. I hate not being able to do things by myself. I can't talk and function properly. It's embarassing and terrifying at the same time to have people talk to you like a baby and wipe your spittle up from your mouth as your shaking and convulsing uncontrollably.

And the most terrifying about it is ... sometimes I think it's all in my head and that I could do something about this if I truly wanted it bad enough. It's as if I'm not trying hard enough to have the normal life I wanted.